June 12, 2019
My Last Worship Meeting (and last time attending this church).
I know I am going to want to remember this meeting so I am making a quick draft from my notes so that I will be able to come back here and process it. I'm so glad I took notes and typed this up. As the months have gone by I keep wanting to go back to this church because it was comfortable and I need to remind myself of why I left. Dd still goes back to the teen activities to see her friends on occasion.
June 12, 2019: Attending: Paul and Cory lead it, sitting in attendance were Teresa S., Doris A., Dd and I.
A Week Later: Perspective
(the three-week perspective is at the bottom of the page)
I guess I am still feeling blindsided by all this--- We went to church to go to a meeting that was designed for brainstorming ideas to grow our church and help our fellow members be more involved. Also, ideas of how to get our church's name out to invite new people to visit. That is the meeting I *thought* I was going to that meeting. But, when it began within minutes Pastor Cory (first time there) was clearly 'correcting' us and telling us that this meeting was designed to be about scheduling music....wait a minute, what?!!! That is so very much NOT what our group leader had directed us. Not only were we 'corrected' that we were not on the right page Pastor Cory repeatedly said that scheduling had been the mission since day one and stuck to that line. I could understand if he had said, well, this meeting has brought up suggestions our board is not comfortable with so we have decided to change the mission of the group to scheduling; at least be honest!!! I felt reprimanded and lied to, but honestly, the reprimand was the worst. I also, very clearly, felt the 'corrections' were directed to me specifically. Specifically?! I don't know why I was singled out.
Richard wanted us to come up with ideas and we did---ideas like having women, children, and the men pass out the offering plates, making church brochures, having the teens Sunday school kids run a church service...we came up with ideas, as was asked of us.
I really wish I could go back in time, so when the leader, Richard S., had asked my teen daughter to join this group because they 'desired to have the youth of the church have a say in the growth...and come up with ideas to get our church some advertisements and bring in new families, fun activities, and of course the topic of music' and kindly decline the offer for us to participate in this group. How many hours I've spent lying awake at night festering over this. All this confrontation and draining of my cup is very much not the reflections of a healthy situation.
The Break-down of the Meeting:
Before things got started I said how I'd called Cookie so she could come and how she had a family emergency and couldn't come. I suggested maybe announcing these meetings so more people could come. That was not received well. Later in the meeting, it was said that too many voices cause conflict and they definitely didn't want more people involved. I encouraged letting Cookie come since she is so active in all things musical in our church and of all people she should be in this meeting; more so than me by far! I'm not sure how that was received--gray area.
Then Cory began--
Cory had two sheets of printed paper with yellow highlights in his hands. He said that he had held a meeting with the elders to discuss some of the items we had discussed and wanted to go over their responses. He said how they had this meeting and the tone was that the meeting was not a happy one. I got the feeling the elders didn't appreciate any of the suggestions we had brought up and it was 'bad'. The feelings here were strong and negative, tension ramped up immediately and never died down the whole meeting.
Three specific ideas from past meetings were addressed:
1. Communion---how we'd asked for more communion and the board thought the compromise would be to have communion every two months.
2. Testimonies---the board decided against having an open time for testimonies b/c people come to church to hear the sermon and testimonies would take time away from the sermon.
3. Missionaries---our group had suggested sharing some updates on missionaries during the service, maybe once a month, and the elders decided against that. It would take too much time away from the sermon.
(None of our other ideas were brought up? I guess the other ideas were not contentious so not an issue at this meeting???)
Purpose of the Group: Surprise
at this point Cory said how we've gotten this whole group wrong, it wasn't to discuss these types of issues. The point was for a group to do the scheduling of special music, organ schedule, scripture reading schedule. I pointed out that it is not what Richard Simmington had been telling us each meeting. Richard said this was an exploratory group to discuss how we want "our" church to grow and develop. How can we involve more people in our church, especially during services, to help them feel part of this church. Paul said that Richard would be corrected and this group would be put on the right track for the mission of taking things off Cory's plate and making his job easier. This was a complete surprise to me! I explained how Richard had asked Larkin (and Joy) to be the voice of young people to discuss how the music was going.
Music:
Tension raised higher as Cory went into the topic of music. Cory said he had three separate people come up to him to discuss music and I guess it didn't go well by his tone. His words were not very communicative but his feelings and emotions were very negative and very stern, as if he was saying 'I've counted to ten and this is how it is going to be!!' His body language, eyes, face, tone all very decided and offensive/defensive...this is not a discussion type of language. He said how when he addressed the congregation when he was being interviewed he clearly stated he wanted worship music and he hasn't changed in that regard. He said he feels like it would be a 'sin' if the church didn't do worship music alongside hymns and psalms. He wants music to be "reverent," and he said that repeatedly. He wants all three kinds of music and to be 'balanced.' Paul took a turn at this topic and just backed up exactly what Cory said.
I pointed out how I'd had people tell me they didn't want worship and that they would leave if we went down that path. Larkin shared how she'd seen this happen in other churches and the divisiveness was not good.
Larkin said how since this meeting was not for sharing how we feel things are going at our church maybe Cory could come to the Sunday School class every few months to give the teens a voice...not sure that was received well, he definitely didn't verbally agree to that.
Clarification:
Next Cory clarified again how this group was not formed to discuss these types of issues---it was formed to do the scheduling. Again, I clarified that is not how it was presented to us at any point previously and that Larkin and I aren't good candidates for scheduling. I was alluding to us not going forward for scheduling purposes. Cory said how he needs people to do the scheduling.
Scripture Reading:
Cory said that they elders discussed the idea proposed about women (or the teen youth girls) reading the scripture and that the elders said 'no' to that because that would cause people to leave the church and they can't have that (note the irony here---when I told him people told me they would leave the church if worship music was brought in that was acceptable????). Cory said he knows the Bible doesn't say anything about women not being allowed to read the Bible out-loud the elders aren't okay with it.
(This all began because our group had come up with the idea of having the Teens run a church service. Then the problem that our group is all girls and one introverted guy and then there was the discussion is the females could share a "sermon." I wasn't surprised they wouldn't approve the females sharing a message, although I didn't see a problem with this special occasion, it led to the church board discussing whether the female teens could even read a bible verse out loud on stage. The board decided women could not read scripture on stage. I was floored by that, but not nearly as much as my Dd was offended. Telling her she could not read the Bible out-loud on stage was a real gut-punch to her.)
Teresa brought up Google Doc's for doing the scheduling and didn't receive a positive response, but sounded like she was going to go ahead and try and set that up. Paul said we just need one person to run this and no one in our small group responded. Teresa explained Google Doc's to us.
Paul then made a point of bringing up the scripture reading again, starting his sentence with "Tracy......" and for some reason was addressing me (and only me) regarding this???? I was really confused why this was somehow "my" issue????? The vibe here was very aggressive and attacking and specifically pointed to me alone.
Paul pointed out that the scripture reading should just be reading the scripture without commentary since that commentary takes too much time and he wants the time for the sermon. I brought up how Eric had done the scripture reading and I specifically asked him about his also sharing a few ideas regarding that passage and Eric said he was told to expound. Paul said that the scripture reading, from now on, would only be the scripture, no personal thoughts added.
Around this point, I was feeling very offended and attacked. I decided to address this by clarifying that I felt like I was being painted as the dividing person regarding the music and things and that I was only sharing what I was hearing from people in the congregation. That my whole worry, and that I'd brought it to the attention to Cory weeks ago, was that this was beginning to be divisive and we really want unity in our church. Cory agreed with the comment about not wanting division but unity.
Not sure what was said after my comment---I was pretty shaken up at that point. Teresa said we should wrap up the meeting since people had been arriving for the Wednesday night service.
Then Paul repeatedly asked me to say the prayer for the end of the meeting; which was super weird to put me on the spot after attacking me!!!!!! Super weird. But, I'm always happy to pray and did so. I put the chairs back where they go and Larkin and I left feeling ever-so bashed. Eric, Larkin, and I spent the next two hours discussing what was said in the meeting and how we felt about it.
Cory called, but my phone was still on silence from the meeting, so he left a voicemail. He said wanted to
apologize regarding the meeting, didn't mean to come across judgmental, or feeling out of justice.
"I was trying to pick my words cautiously, I didn't want it to come across as if you were the dividing force, if it came off the wrong way I'm really sorry and just want to apologize. I just wanted to seek understanding and found out what people stood. That was my intention. Hopefully, you can forgive me and we can go on all right have a good day bye-bye." (2 1/2 weeks later he called again and left a short peppy voicemail offering to meet with us again. And that is the extent of his response to this problem.)
Dd was really hurt because she heard P&C say they didn't care about our (her) opinions and feelings yet at the same time Doris complimented how nice it was that she was a young person that voiced her opinion and Paul also said something about it being good to hear her opinion....but earlier they made it clear they didn't want to hear dissenting voices---very conflicting points! Don't share and thank you for sharing.
She also was upset how they have repeatedly said this is the young teen's church and how they are 'the church,' and yet here in this meeting it was clearly not the case. Really confused and hurt her.
Dd was also very upset that she isn't allowed to read the Bible out-loud because she is a female---worse part is that our church is knowingly being legalistic again (no drinking alcohol, no smoking, NO DANCING...) and stand firm in being legalistic.
Dd said how she felt that Cory's tone and how he handled this meeting was done wrong and how she could have done better. How she wanted to look up to her young pastor and how he really came down a lot of notches in how he handled this.
My biggest point of offense here was the unloving, unkind, attacking manner of this meeting. I expect to, hope to, be met with love and kindness at a church and that clearly was not the case at this meeting. There was simply NO LOVE, just reprimand. My heart was truly bashed and trampled after just last Thursday having Paul apologized to me because "April told me I hurt your feelings...and I don't know what I did or when I did it..." (he had come to Strings Group 5-23-19 walked up and bluntly, in front of everyone, told me I sing off-key in a very mean way).
I don't know what is wrong with these people and why they feel the need or right to be mean to me. I was just wanting to be in the House of the Lord, a house supposed to be filled with love. I know the Lord hates it when "His people" can't get the simple mission understood; that we are to love one another. I know He loves me, my singing, and my heart and I will have to rest and try to find comfort in His arms and continue to be very wary around Christians.
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A Week Later: Perspective
I guess I am still feeling blindsided by all this--- We went to church to go to a meeting that was designed for brainstorming ideas to grow our church and help our fellow members be more involved. Also, ideas of how to get our church's name out to invite new people to visit. That is the meeting I *thought* I was going to that meeting. But, when it began within minutes Pastor Cory (first time there) was clearly 'correcting' us and telling us that this meeting was designed to be about scheduling music....wait a minute, what?!!! That is so very much NOT what our group leader had directed us. Not only were we 'corrected' that we were not on the right page Pastor Cory repeatedly said that scheduling had been the mission since day one and stuck to that line. I could understand if he had said, well, this meeting has brought up suggestions our board is not comfortable with so we have decided to change the mission of the group to scheduling; at least be honest!!! I felt reprimanded and lied to, but honestly, the reprimand was the worst.
I really wish I could go back in time, to when the leader, Richard S., had asked my teen daughter to join this group because they 'desired to have the youth of the church have a say in the growth...and come up with ideas to get our church some advertisements and bring in new families, fun activities, and of course the topic of music' and kindly decline the offer for us to participate in this group. How many hours I've spent lying awake at night festering over this. All this confrontation and draining of my cup is very much not the reflections of a healthy situation.
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My May's Meeting Notes:
(Which clearly shares what our leader, Richard S., had told us the objective of the group was until this recent meeting with the Pastor (his first time coming to the meeting.)
Worship Meeting:
Ack. Ack. Ack.
Our church has been going through a transition this year as the pastor we'd had when we started, who had been there almost 30 years, retired and a young man took over after co-pastoring the past two years. A new committee was formed called the Worship Team with the desire to have the youth of the church have a say in the growth. They invited Dd to join and included me in too. We've been discussing ideas about how to get our church some advertisements to bring in new families, fun activities, and of course the topic of music. It is really difficult in this day and age to straddle the huge divide between Hymns and Worship music in America. We've visited so many churches over the years and we're so thankful to find our nice quaint little hymn-singing church surrounded by farming fields. Although I much prefer hymns there are some at our church that long for Worship songs and the modern hanging screens from which we would all look to sing along with. As Dd and I voiced our opinions about this I could feel the divide growing between our thoughts and feelings and the people on the other side. This is exactly the type of thing that divides churches and I hate it. I don't want to lose my friends over the type of music played at our church. I've been praying and praying that my comments won't cause a riff with our Worship loving friends. I really pray that our church won't change or won't change a lot with the new pastor and new ideas. I really love my church and my friends and do not want to see division. Ack. Ack. Ack.
Three Weeks Later:
After weeks of thought, I still feel I'm at an impasse. If the pastor (new pastor) of my church isn't treating me with love and respect I have a problem. He didn't see a problem with how he treated us and clearly stands behind his actions and words. If the pastor of the church isn't the HEART of the church then I'm not happy. I don't feel like I have to hide my feelings any longer on what happened, the Holy Spirit has freed me from my self-imposed isolation. This clearly was not my fault. I sat with my head down taking notes during the meeting and was completely submissive until the very end of the meeting when I had to clarify out loud that I didn't understand why I was being directly talked to regarding *OUR* ideas as if I were a trouble-maker. I clarified that my whole goal was to warn of division and try to encourage our church to go slowly towards any changes for the unity of our church. I shared what I'd heard from people in the congregation to provide feedback to others.
I was thankful and appreciative of the women in my Sunday School texting me and praying for me while I was processing this whole mess. I hate to not continue to grow with such awesome women of the Word! But, I don't know if I can remain under this pastor and knowingly continue to contribute to legalistic rules that are not in the bible for the reward of good friends. "Rock and Hard Place" comes to mind each day.
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